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Thursday, 30 June 2011

Why It Had To End.

One of the comments on the Beyonce/Collapse Board piece (below) suggested that the reason I love Beyonce is because I never really loved rock music in the first place. So in response I wrote the following comment, an explanation of me and rock's torrid past and why I just HAD to end our obsessive relationship.

WHY did you reject me Rock Music?! WHY?!?!?

All I ever did was love you, but you never loved me in return. Was it because I am fat? Gay? Irish? Because I use big words? TELL ME!! After all these years, I think you owe me some closure, Rock Music.

You were always there when I was a child, but I never really noticed you, how attractive you really were, until I hit puberty. The boy with the blonde curtains and the ripped cardigan changed all that. It was love at first sight. He introduced me to his friends – Kim, Thurston, Evan, Tad, J, even his bitchy girlfriend who I actually liked a lot. Through those guys I made some other amazing friends too, like Richey and JD. I felt like I had finally been accepted.

Oh, the memories Rock Music. We had our first cigarette behind the bike sheds together. It was you who got me drunk for the first time. You made me shout at my parents, and it was fun! You took me to festivals, to my first ever gig, you showed me things I had never seen before – things the telly would never show or the papers would never write about. I felt like I was a grown up, like I was part of the REAL WORLD. And you made me fell like being different was ok.

But then things changed. Sure it was me, growing in age and confidence I guess, but it was you too you know. You can’t deny that you were part of the problem. You never listened to me, you never took my ideas seriously. The truth is, Rock Music, that even though you went on and on about being friends with people who were “different”, you rejected those who didn’t fit into your narrow little criteria. It made me feel insecure, like I just wasn’t good enough for you.

All I wanted was for us to get away from this dismal place, to find somewhere better – somewhere different and new. Somewhere exciting, with different kinds of people, with new inspirations, new technology, new drugs and new kinds of fun. I was SURE you would have fit in there, I mean you fitted in with other new situations in the past, right?

But no. All you wanted was to stay where you were, stubbornly clinging on to your shitty position, happy to go on and on about the past without looking forward to the future. You were happy seeing those same old boring faces, John, Mick, Lou, Dave, the Rottens. The blonde boy and Richey were dead by then, and that was really sad – I missed them so much!

But it was the new crowd you started hanging with that was the final straw. Because they were the people who used to bully me. They were the ones who would spit in my face and call me “faggot”, and “fat bastard”. Because I didn’t like football, because I liked to draw and write, because I was “weird”. And I never told you this before Rock Music, but those guys used to corner me in the toilets at school and beat me up BECAUSE I WAS WITH YOU.

And you said they were your FRIENDS?! How could you?? Even when they openly rejected you by calling themselves “BritPOP” (which I seriously didn’t get as they still all bashed away on guitars), you stupidly, slovenly clung to the bullies with tongue lolling like a bloody idiot. I couldn’t bare to see you debase yourself for those bastards Rock Music. I just couldn’t take it.

That was when I met HER. Well, we had known each other for a long time, but for some reason I started to see her in a different way. She never talked about how amazingly different and important she was, the way you did, she just LIVED IT. She meant so much more to so many people, black, white, straight, gay, male, female, than you and your so-called friends did. What I wanted from you, but could never get, she gave me. She never asked for anything in return, she had no expectations, she was happy for me to be me, whatever way that was. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, but she’s still one of my closest, dearest friends. When I have problems I turn to her, and even if its in a small way, she really helps. More than you ever did.

And most importantly of all, she taught me how to DANCE.

Looking back now Rock Music, I think the truth is that you were scared. Scared of yourself, scared of me. Sure I was insecure and childish, but so were you, even more than me, and YOU were the older one!! And the worst thing is, you’ve still not changed. Your still happy to live in the same shitty conditions as ever, looking to the past, still happy to slag off everything that doesn’t conform to your narrow world view. Still happy to hang out with that bunch of fucking dickhead assholes. Because deep down inside, despite all the shit that comes out your mouth that’s who you REALLY are, isn’t it? The truth is you’ll NEVER push yourself to do better. You were scared then and you are scared now. Scared of your reputation and your responsibilities, scared of things that are different, scared of yourself, scared of me. Too scared to try and live up to what I thought you could have been.

Goodbye Rock Music, and I wish you all the best with the rest of your life.

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